My Three Suns/Transcript
['''Scene': Outside Robot Wash. Bender inserts a coin and chooses his wash program from "regular", "deluxe" and "sub-standard". He selects "deluxe" and steps onto a conveyor belt. It moves forward and Rose Royce's Car Wash plays. Bender pushes down his antenna and sings his own words.]'' Bender: singing Going through the 'bot wash! :['''Cut to': Robot Wash.]'' Bender: singing Goin' through the robot wash! C'mon, y'all and sing it with me, 'Bot wash! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, 'Bot wash, yeah! :machine blow dries him. He sees an undercoating machine and puts a quarter in. The machine clamps around his legs and he is in ecstasy as the machine does the undercoating. :['''Cut to': Outside Robot Wash. He comes out the other side of the Robot Wash and it hangs a pine tree air freshener around his neck. He turns round and admires his shiny metal ass.]'' Bender: Ah! :rumbles in the sky and a downpour begins. He groans. :Credits. Caption: Presented in Doublevision Doublevision (Where Drunk) :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits down to watch Essence of Elzar, a cooking show presented by Neptunian chef Elzar and a not-so-subtle parody of Essence of Emeril. Elzar has black hair, purple skin and four arms.]'' Elzar: TV Hey, I'm Elzar! Welcome to the show! You know, you don't have to drive all the way to Neptune for great Neptunian food. Today we're gonna kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouth-watering Neptunian slug. hoots and turns on the oven. Now, while you grease the pan and preheat your oven to 3500 degrees, you're gonna separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel. Bam! :Fry and Leela. Leela wears a green top instead of her usual white one. Fry: Hey, what you watching? :quickly turns off the TV. Bender: Uh, nothing! Leela: Is that a cooking show? Bender: No, of course not! It was ... uh ... porno! Yeah, that's it! :turns the TV back on and sees the programme. Leela: Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking! That's so cute! Bender: ashamed Oh, it's true! I've been hiding it for so long. Fry: It's OK, Bender. I like cooking too. Bender: whispering Pansy! Elzar: TV Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here: The Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can but to really do things right you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one. pulls the slug out of it's box and it grows rapidly. Now this is why you gotta use cast-iron cookware. :hits the slug between it's eye stalks with a frying pan. Bender watches and is spooked when something that we don't see happens. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Outside of the office, a sign flashes indicating there is a "chewing out" in progress.]'' Hermes: Bender, man. It has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf about on the couch. Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow! Hermes: I'm sorry but if you want to continue drawing a salary you gotta do more than watch the cooking shows all day. Bender: Hmm. :rubs his chin. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Fry sit at the table while Bender stands next to it wearing a chef's hat and an apron.]'' Fry: You're gonna be the ships cook? Bender: Yeah! We're gonna kick it up a notch. Bam! Leela: I know you like cooking shows but you're a robot, you don't even have a sense of taste. Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top. Fry: Bam! :['''Scene': Little Neptune Street. Fry, Leela and Bender walk.]'' Fry: So this is Little Neptune? Bender: Yep. Every chef knows that this is the place to get exotic gourmet ingredients. Leela: Among other things. :an alleyway, a crack addict stands in front of what looks like a normal vending machine but is actually a crack dispenser. He inserts a coin and the machine starts twisting a tube of crack out but it jams. The crack addict starts clawing the glass. Crack Addict: Come on, man! Don't hold out on me like this! :walks past a man who wears a long coat. Organ Dealer: Psst! You want to buy organ? opens his coat to reveal human organs pinned to the inside like knock-off watches. Fresh and cheap. Ready for transplant! Fry: pointing Ooh! What's this? Organ Dealer: Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything! :reads the label. Fry: Wait a minute! This says Z''-Ray. 'Organ Dealer': Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X. 'Fry': Hmm, I can see where that would be an advantage. Do you take cash? :takes out his wallet but Leela quickly pulls him away and they carry on walking.'' Leela: Fry, you have to be more careful. We're not in the 20th century. You don't know how things work here. Fry: I'm not a little kid, Leela. I grew up in this city. These are my people. waves to an alien. What up? Alien: Word! Fry: See? :['''Scene': Little Neptune Market. The trio look around at what is on offer.]'' Fry: Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat here except human! Neptunian Salesman #1: What? You want human? :an aisle, Leela picks up a jar. Leela: What's this spice for? Neptunian Salesman #2: That's powdered swamp root. Makes you irresistible to the opposite sex. Leela: Oh, that's ridiculous! (whispering) I'll take two pounds! :the meat counter, Bender looks at tubbed slug and I Can't Believe It's Not Slug. He looks up at the salesman. Bender: Hey, buddy. I'm looking for fresh slug. Neptunian Salesman #1: Yellow or purple? Bender: Whatever. Neptunian Salesman #1: The purple one causes terrible nightmare-ish diarrhoea. Bender: Yeah, yeah. Either one's fine. Leela: Hey, have you seen Fry? :['''Cut to': Little Neptune Street. Fry is back with the organ dealer in the alley.]'' Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills. Organ Dealer: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right? Fry: Can't imagine why I would. Organ Dealer: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week. lies on the table. (shouting) Nurse! :large man comes over and holds down Fry's arms. Nurse: Let's do it. Organ Dealer: You may feel small pain-- :punches him in the face and he falls over. Then she kicks the nurse to the floor. The organ dealer runs away down the alley and throws his scalpel back at Leela. She dives out of the way and it flies into Bender's chest cabinet. He closes the door. Bender: shouting Thank you! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits at the table while Leela scolds him.]'' Leela: What the hell were you doing? I warned you to stay away from those guys. Fry: I'm capable of making my own decisions, Leela. Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills? :Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone-- Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that. Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol... Bender: Here it comes. Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone. Bender: Thank you, and goodnight. Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror! Leela: Uh, Professor-- Farnsworth: Off you go. Pleasant trip! :['''Scene': Ships Cockpit. Zoidberg and Amy join the crew for the mission. Bender is not with them. Fry leans back on his chair and shouts down a hole in the floor.]'' Fry: shouting Hey, Bender, how's dinner coming? Bender: from galley Almost ready! :['''Cut to': Ships Galley. Bender wears his chef's hat and a new apron which has "To Serve Man" printed on it. He takes the Neptunian slug out of a pot of boiling water, puts it on a plate and puts an apple in it's mouth.]'' Bender: Now for a dash of salt! coats the slug in salt and it starts to shrivel up. Uh-oh! :['''Scene': Ships Mess. The crew sit around a long table. Bender carves the tiny, deflated slug. Leela leans in to the rest of the crew.]'' Leela: whispering Listen, this is Bender's first meal and he's a little sensitive. So let's be supportive, OK? Fry: Yeah, OK. Zoidberg: Alright. :start eating. Leela: shouting Oh, dear God! :spits the slug out and so does everyone else. Fry: That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I've once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt! :guzzles down a glass of water and once again they spit it out. Amy: Bender, is this salt water? Bender: It's salt with water in it if that's what you mean. :waves his hand in front of his eyes. Fry: My vision's fading. I think I'm gonna die. Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose. Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds. :['''Scene': The ship speeds towards the Planet Trisol.]'' :['''Scene': Trisol Surface. The ship lands on a landing pad in a desert.]'' :['''Cut to': Ships Cockpit.]'' Leela: OK, Fry, here's the package to deliver. And for once in your life be careful. This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one. :slaps Fry who is mimicking her with his hand. Fry: Ow! Leela: Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. Just go to the palace, drop it off and come right back. Fry: Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering things before you were born! I think I know what I'm doing. :walks off without the package and quickly returns for it. :['''Scene': Trisol Surface. Fry walks across the desert in the sweltering heat.]'' Fry: Stupid slug. I've never been so thirsty. looks across at the setting sun. Oh, come on! Go down already! sun finally sets. Ah! :the other side of him two other much larger suns rise over the horizon. :Lapse. Fry nears the Trisol Palace, climbs the huge staircase and enters the palace. :['''Cut to': Trisol Palace Throne Room. It is deserted.]'' Fry: Hello? Anybody home? :reads the package address. It is addressed to the Emperor. He decides to leave it on the throne. He sees a bottle of water beside the throne, looks around, then drinks the entire contents. Two pools of water close in on him and form into humanoid shapes. Guards. Guard #1: The royal bottle is empty! :second guard gasps. Guard #2: You drank our Emperor! Fry: No! It wasn't me! :burps a small bubble of the Emperor. He pops it and laughs nervously. :Lapse. More guards have come in. Guard #1: shouting You drank our Emperor! You assassinated him! Fry: I didn't mean to. He just looked so cool and refreshing. Guard #3: I'm sure he was. Guard #1: But now he's gone and your fate is sealed. All hail the new Emperor. :guards bow to Fry. Guards: chanting Hail! Hail! Hail! :Lapse. Fry sits on the throne with two Trisolian women at his side fanning him. The rest of the Planet Express crew have arrived. Leela: So after I specifically asked you not to touch anything, you drank a bottle of strange blue liquid? It could have been poisonous acid! Fry: It could have been. But chances were equally good it was an Emperor. :a Trisolian. Merg: Excuse me, Your Majesty, I am Merg, the High Priest. If I might interject? Fry: You might. Merg: I humbly advise that as your first act you choose a capable Prime Minister. I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee. Gorgak: I will be a forceful and effective administrator. Bender: You know, Fry, I've often thought about becoming a Prime Minister. Fry: I gotta go with Bender. Bender: Yes! In your face, Gorgak! Leela: That's it, Fry. As your captain I order you back to the ship. You are in way over your head. Fry: Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better check with my Prime Minister. :sits being fanned. Bender: Stay the course, pal! Gorgak: Your Highness, a package came for you. :hands Fry the same package he was supposed to deliver earlier. Fry: Hey, thanks! takes the package and opens it. It is a sign saying "Please Don't Drink The Emperor!" Wow! This got here just in time. :hangs it on a column next to his throne. :['''Scene': Trisol Palace Harem. The room is full of shelves which are full of bottles of Trisolians. Merg is with Fry.]'' Merg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort. Fry: Um, how about that one? :points to a random bottle. Merg: Oh! I didn't realise Your Majesty was into that sort of thing! Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one. :points to another random bottle. Merg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement. :['''Scene': Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew lounge around enjoying themselves. Amy stirs a glass of water with her finger. Leela paces up and down.]'' Leela: Does anyone else think it's odd that a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy could drop out of the sky, kill the emperor and be rewarded instead of punished? Fry: You don't have to beat around the bush, Leela. We all know who you're talking about ... uh, me, right? Amy: I don't think you have anything to worry about. These people seem really mild-mannered. Zoidberg: They are mild. In fact, you're soaking in one right now. :screams and takes her finger out of the glass. Gorgak appears from it. Gorgak: You touched me in ways I've never been touched before. :Merg. Merg: Ah, there you are, Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony. Zoidberg: A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal shell. Merg: Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the setting of the three suns when we Trisolians enter our nocturnal phase. Fry: There won't be a lot of long-winded speeches, will there? Merg: Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation from memory of the royal oath. By you. Fry: Will there be cake? :['''Scene': Trisolian Banquet Hall. At the Pre-Coronation Gala, Trisolians perform on a stage. And Fry, the crew and several Trisolians sit at a long table. Zoidberg talks to two Trisolians.]'' Zoidberg: Yeah, I know. Amy: Gorgak Hi! :wiggles her fingers. Fry pours a glass of something for Merg. Fry: There you go. :Trisolians playing the liquid harmonica with themselves as the liquid finish. The audience applauds and Gorgak takes the stage. Gorgak: And now, get ready to laugh till your sides leak with our planet's foremost political satirist, Florp! :leaves and Florp takes the mic. Florp: So what is the deal with people from under the orange sun? They're all... does a funny walk. Fry laughs. But us guys from under the red sun, we're like... imitates does another funny walk. Right? Am I right? Fry: Oh, yeah! Yeah, he's right! Leela: whispering Fry, I have to talk to you. You're in terrible danger. :['''Scene': Trisol Palace Corridor. On the walls of the corridor are paintings of past Trisolian Emperors.]'' Leela: You see Emperor Plon here? points at a painting. He met his end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug. And before he could even wipe his mouth, Strug was drunk by Shwab. Fry: So? Leela: Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? Fry: 80,000 years? Leela: No. One week. Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low. Leela: Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one. And guess who's next? :points at Fry's portrait. Fry looks at some empty frames labelled "Fry's Assassin" and "Fry's Assassin's Assassin". He points at the last one. Fry: Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him. Leela: You're in tremendous danger, you idiot! Half of these Emperors were drunk at their own coronation. Fry: Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis myself. Leela: No, they were assassinated. In fact, the law says you'll be killed on the spot if you fail to recite the oath from memory. :holds up a book called "Coronation Oath: Vol. 1". Fry: Yeah, I was going to thumb through that later. Leela: That is completely reckless. Don't you ever think ahead? Fry: Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead, I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't even be here in the year 3000. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you? Leela: I give up! You're gonna get yourself killed and this time I won't be here to save you. Fry: Who asked you to? I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts, you nagging grasshopper. :angrily throws down the book. Leela: That's it! I'm never helping you again! If anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship. :storms off. Fry: I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's gonna drink me. panel slides across on a portrait and a Trisolian tries to drink Fry with a straw. Quit it! :knocks the straw away from his neck and it disappears back into the hole in the painting. :['''Scene': Trisol Palace Balcony. The Planet Express crew sans Leela are gathered with Fry. Merg stands at a podium facing across the Trisolian surface where millions of Trisolians are gathered to hear Fry's oath.]'' Merg: People of Trisol, it is my honour to present your new Emperor. :Trisolians applaud Fry, who takes Merg's place on the podium. Fry clears his throat. Fry: What up? :from the crowd. Merg: Stick to the oath. Fry: Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant... :Lapse. The suns are nearly set. Fry is still reciting the oath by reading it from his arm. Fry: (reading) Who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule with honour and insanity-- Uh, integrity! Merg: Congratulations, Your Highness. takes Fry's shirt off him. I now present you with your royal unisex robe. Long live Fry the Solid! :puts the robe on Fry. The Trisolians cheer. The suns begin to go down. Bender: Hey, look. The suns are setting. I can finally switch to hard liquor! :gets a bottle out of his chest cabinet. The three suns set and the Trisolians begin to turn a lighter shade of blue. Bender: Check out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful! Hey, what's that? :points at Fry's stomach, which turns blue and grows a face. The Trisolians gasp and quickly return to normal shade. Merg: The Emperor Bont! He's still alive. Bont: Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep open and drain me out! :close in on Fry. Fry clutches his stomach. Fry: My tummy hurts! :guards and Merg chase Fry, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender up the steps. Bont: They're over here, they're running up the stairs. Bender: Shut up, you! :punches Bont, hurting Fry. Fry: Ow! :['''Cut to': Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew run inside and bolt the door.]'' :['''Cut to': Outside Throne Room.]'' Merg: Let us in! :['''Cut to': Trisol Palace Throne Room.]'' Merg: outside Fry must die so that Bont may live. Fry: What am I gonna do? Amy: We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you! Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness. Fry: But won't that crush my bones? Zoidberg: Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones. Bender: Hey, why don't you just sweat him out? Bont: Forget it! As Emperor I refuse to be dripped out through somebody's armpit. Fry: I could vomit or urinate. Would you feel better about that? Bont: Slightly. But my favourite so far is the bone-crushing. Amy: What about crying? Fry: That's a great idea! Crying. Bont: Fine. That or the bone one. :['''Cut to': Outside Throne Room. Trisolians throws themselves at the door. As they hit it they turn into pools of water. They regroup themselves and stand up.]'' Merg: Keep it up, men. The veneer is starting to peel. :throws himself at the door but can't re-solidify. Gorgak: Oh, dear! :['''Cut to': Trisol Palace Throne Room. Fry tries to cry.]'' Fry: It's no use. I wanna cry but I'm just too macho. Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy! clears his throat. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything. Fry: What do you mean? I was Emperor of a whole planet. Bender: Good point. But here's a disturbing reminder: Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead. Fry: These things happen. Bender: OK, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no God and your idiotic human ideals are laughable! :laughs evily. Fry: Phew! That's a load off my mind. Bender: Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry. Amy: You did your best, Bender. Bender: Up yours, bimbo! :bursts into tears. Zoidberg: Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help. Bender: Cram it, lobster! bursts into tears. That is a good idea. I'll go call her. Fry: She'll never help me. She's still mad that I told her never to help me. Amy: C'mon. Leela's not the type to hold a grudge. :['''Scene': Ships Cargo Bay. Leela punches and kicks a punching bag with a photo of Fry taped to it. The phone rings.]'' Operator: phone Collect call from... Bender: phone I'm not giving my name to a machine. Leela: I'll accept. :appears on the phone screen. Bender: screen Fry's in trouble... :['''Cut to': Trisol Palace. Bender sits on a chair in front of the payphone.]'' Bender: And he needs help. Now, I don't like you and you don't like me. Leela: screen I like you. Bender: You do? Look, are you going to help or not? Leela: screen I don't know why I should. I mean after what he-- Bender: Wait, wait, wait, wait. crosses his legs and taps his chin. What is it you like best about me? :['''Scene': Trisol Palace Throne Room. Enter Bender.]'' Amy: Is she coming? Bender: I'm not sure. But I do know that she likes my in-your-face attitude. :is a rumbling from outside. The crew gather around a window and look out. The Trisolians pull a giant lemon juicer-like machine towards the palace. Fry: What the hell is that? Bont: Its the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain my juices from you while filtering out the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded remains. Zoidberg: Of course! Why didn't I think of that! Fry: This is the saddest day of my life. And I still can't cry. :sits in his throne and a splashing noise from outside attracts the others to the window. Bender: Wait a second. Here comes Leela. :['''Cut to': Outside Trisol Palace. Leela kicks her way through the crowd of Trisolian guards, splashing them to oblivion. They swarm her.]'' :['''Cut to': Trisol Palace Throne Room.]'' Amy: Oh, no! They have her totally outnumbered. Fry: I can't believe it. She's risking her life for me after the way I treated her. I don't deserve this. I feel terrible. Bender: You do? Hmm. Fry: Is she alright? Bender: I don't know. Perhaps I'll look out this window. Oh, dear God in heaven, they're swarming all over her. Fry: No. No! Amy: What are you talking about, Bender? She's al-- puts his hand over Amy's mouth and she eventually catches on. (muffled) Oh! Bender: They're strapping her to juicer. Oh, they're putting some ice cubes in the glass under it. Fry: This can't be happening. Bender: It can and, for all you know, it is. puts his hand on Fry's shoulder. I'm sorry, Fry. She's dead. :starts to cry and Amy catches his tear in the bottle. Fry: All Leela ever wanted to do was help me. But I was to proud, too stupid to accept it. throws his crown across the room. I wish I had died instead of her. :cries. Leela climbs through the window. Leela: What are you talking about? :stops crying. Fry: Leela! You're alive! Leela: Of course I'm alive. Bender: I told Fry you were dead so he would cry out the Emperor but you had to go and wreck it by surviving. Amy: We only got two drops. :is a bang at the door. The Trisolians begin leaking in through a hole. Bont chuckles. Bont: It's only a matter of time now. Zoidberg: I'll handle this! :tries to block the leak with his claw and eventually gets it under control by forcing one of his mouth flaps into the hole. Leela: Listen, Fry, I think I can get us out of this if you're willing to let me help you. Fry: Thanks, Leela. From now on, I'll take all the help you're willing to give. I know you just want what's best for me. smiles then stamps on his foot. Ow! What was that for? slaps him. Hey, come on! bursts into tears. That hurt! Leela: I know. Amy, get the bottle. :carries on beating Fry up while Amy holds the bottle under his eye. Fry: crying Oh, now I understand. Leela: Come on. Everybody help out Fry. :slaps him again, Zoidberg pinches his leg with his claw and Bender stubs out a cigar on his arm. Fry: crying Thanks, everybody. I love you all. You guys are true-- Ow! Cut it out, Bender! That's a tender area! Leela: How we doing, Amy? Amy: Great! We're one-tenth of the way there. :Lapse. Leela, Zoidberg and Bender are tired out. Amy continues kicking Fry, panting. Amy: OK, it's your turn. :points to someone. A Trisolian starts to hit Fry with a chair. Fry: Hey, wait a minute! Who are you? Bont: I'm the Emperor! Thanks for crying me out. :looks at his stomach and sees it's back to normal. Fry: Oh, you're welcome. :hits him with the chair again. :['''Cut to': Outside Trisolian Palace. The crowds have gone. Fry cries in pain from inside.]'' Bender: inside Hey! Save some for me! :Credits. Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Season One Scripts Category:Transcripts